Would you like me to fix all the environmental problems on the planet?

I can do it, the solution simple, you won't help, that's the real problem

Stop having kids

You hear that that's not enough support, that's why we have to contaminate the water

Because most of you are not on board yet

But that's all that has to happen, just stop having kids

And I'm not one of these people that cares about the planet

I hope it blows up the day after we're gone

But stop having kids and then we can have the greatest party for the next 60 to 70 years

Just pissing through all the natural resources

It would be amazing, but what happens? some of you, you get fed up

Yeah, I hate my life, you try-

Look it looks like me

Selfish that's what I think of your families, selfish

China has the right idea

They're the smartest people on the planet

If they think boys are more important and to should be the cap Good enough for me

We have a TV show in our country called 19 and counting

That show should be called wrecked pussy

Shocking that one of those kids turned out to be a bad egg

You mean he can't keep your eye on 19 children

You can't be a good parent to three kids

Do you know how I know that?

Because my parents had four

What are you gonna do? If one of them asked, who you love more?

I love you all the same

Oh, really a 19-way tie?

Fuck you mom

And you deserve that kind of language

You can't sell a 19-way tie to anyone

You're gonna have to be honest with those kids

Like alright, let's see one of you is a predator, so you're out

Not even sure these three are mine anymore

No idea where the ginger staring at me you have no shot

You think I enjoy dunking you in a tub of sunblock just to bring you outside you mutant

What is your x-men power besides killing every bone in every room you walk into

I Tease redheads, you're just as pretty as prettier people

The reason so many people in this country keep having litters of children

Are all these fertility drugs

You're not gonna like this joke heads up

Know that if you have to take a ton of fertility drugs to get pregnant

That is God just saying you'd be an awful parent

Yeah, maybe if you weren't to the cunt in your 30s, you'd be a mother in your 40s

Let's be clear I don't want to do that joke

I have to do that joke

Because statistically that will ruin at least two people's night this evening

And for some horrible reason which I can't explain that brings me joy

To know that there's a lady here right now, that's gonna, "fuck him"

I deserve a family too

No, you don't, you don't

It's called the American dream for a reason it's unrealistic

It's not gonna happen for everyone

You want a kid so bad adopt one you selfish wench

We're only halfway through this joke hang in there

You ever seen an orphanage?

I asked this from time to time because I know the answer

Most people haven't it's a real problem this country

There's kids that need homes, yet where they're located is a goddamn mystery

You think that'd be a crucial part of the orphanage is business plan

Being very accessible like, hey-hey we're over here

Nobody's ever given me directions to their place been like

You go the orphanage you take a right my house is right there, you can't miss it

Maybe this is a better way you ever go to a grocery store on a Saturday

And out front They have a pin set up for rescue dogs

I'm not I'm not impl- I'm not implying putting the orphans in

I'm just pointing out that that's also a real problem

They were smart enough to realize bring the problem to us

Shove it in our face makes the problem go away

Now set up a nicer pin put it in the shade

If you can afford whole Foods you can afford another child

And if you can't, at least put some hand sanitizer on and sit in there and play for a couple minutes

That's the very least you could do

You ever watch your morning local news

Where once a week somebody from the animal shelter will bring a dog on

Do you know why they do it huh? because it works

Because bringing that dog on TV makes somebody at home go

You know what I could take that dog and you saved his life

Why aren't we doing that with orphans? I don't understand

Honestly like- like this is Carlita. She's only five you can change her name

She doesn't give a shit

Come on Carlita, can you dance Carlita?

She just wants a home for Christmas