Damn Near Died in Killaloe

A wedding invitation arrived out of the blue

My cousin Tim was getting hitched to a girl from Killaloe

He wanted me to be there, even though we'd never met

And that wedding day in Killaloe was one I won't forget

The knot was tied in Killaloe

He kissed a bride in Killaloe

Got ossified in Killaloe

Damn near died in Killaloe

Well, I cleared the immigration, went straight up to the hooley

I paid too much insurance for me rental from Dan Dooley

'Twas a tiny, little Škoda, 'twas hardly four feet wide

When we squeezed in, the steering wheel was on the other side

And once we left the airport

I had an awful fright

The cars were coming towards me

I was driving on the right

I went the wrong way around the roundabout

I hadn't got a clue

So I started driving backwards

Down the road to Killaloe

I crashed my ride in Killaloe

The knot was tied in Killaloe

He kissed a bride in Killaloe

Got ossified in Killaloe

Damn near died in Killaloe

Somehow they lost my luggage between Shannon and O'Hare

No toothbrush or tuxedo, no socks or underwear

I came in on a Sunday, so all the shops were closed

So, my cousins try to fit me out in uncle Barry's clothes

Who know what you could do

With day-glow polyester?

Wingtips and a furry tie

I was tricked out like a jester

Ten minutes till the service

So, what else were we to do?

That's time enough for a couple of rounds

At the pub in Killaloe

No clothes had I in Killaloe

I crashed my ride in Killaloe

The knot was tied in Killaloe

He kissed a bride in Killaloe

Got ossified in Killaloe

We damn near died in Killaloe

Well, the church was locked when we arrived

So, we snuck around the side

We jumped in through the window

Landed right next to the bride

The groom was hardly sober

So, we helped him say, I do

I think we all got married in

The church in Killaloe

Got locked outside in Killaloe

With a furry tie in Killaloe

No clothes had I in Killaloe

I crashed my ride in Killaloe

The knot was tied in Killaloe

He kissed a bride in Killaloe

Got ossified in Killaloe

We damn near died in Killaloe

Then off to the reception at Choplin's function room

Well into the champagne and we couldn't find the groom

The best man gave a slurry speech, he rambled on and on

And a pack of drunken uncles started singing rebel songs

The cèilidh band with the chicken song

And then the Siege of Venice

Harley grabbed me hand and wheeled me round

By Christ, she was a menace

She threw me across the floor

Bounced me like a kangaroo

We were dancing on the tables

In the pub in Killaloe

And I lost my pride in Killaloe

Got locked outside in Killaloe

With a furry tie in Killaloe

No clothes had I in Killaloe

I crashed my ride in Killaloe

The knot was tied in Killaloe

He kissed a bride in Killaloe

Got ossified in Killaloe

We damn near died in Killaloe

And I know they say, what God has joined, let no man put asunder

But how anyone survived at all, it's a miracle and wonder

And anyone who says there's nothing worse than armageddon

Has never been invited to a full-blown Irish wedding

Well, I did survive in Killaloe

My liver fried in Killaloe

And I lost my pride in Killaloe

Got locked outside in Killaloe

With a furry tie in Killaloe

No clothes had I in Killaloe

I crashed my ride in Killaloe

The knot was tied in Killaloe

He kissed a bride in Killaloe

Got ossified in Killaloe

We damn near died in Killaloe