album cover
Massages
214
Standup Comedy
Massages was released on July 13, 2018 by Comedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company as a part of the album Noble Ape
album cover
Release DateJuly 13, 2018
LabelComedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
Acousticness
Valence
Danceability
Energy
BPM160

Lyrics

[Verse 1]
I was recently given a gift certificate for a massage
Which I will never use
Because I'm not one of the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills
I've gotten a massage before
But I just, I find it hard to justify a massage
Like, "You know what, you know what I deserve?
To have some, someone I don't know rub my body
Let's make that happen people"
'Cause massages are always from strangers
We get massages from strangers
'Cause we can't count on the people who love us to touch us
Right? I mean, it could be your best friend
"You see that guy, I'd take a bullet for him
I'm not givin' him a massage, I'm no queer"
My wife, the woman I love, the mother of my children
Here's my massage, "You good?  That's my hands cramping"
So we pay total strangers
"Hey, I know nothing about you
Why don't I take off my clothes
And climb on this padded dining room table?
Then you can do whatever you want"
We know nothing about these people
I don't even ask if they're a masseuse
"Boy, you're dressed like an orderly in a mental ward
Why don't I get in the most vulnerable position I can think of?
How 'bout facedown in the donut pillow? Does that work for you?
'Cause then I could I look at your feet
And imagine you're grabbing knives"
What do we really know about massage therapists?
They like to rub strangers for money
While they listen to the Avatar soundtrack
That's a red flag
Those are the traits of a serial killer
I never know what to say during a massage
Sometimes I'll try and break the ice, I'll be like
"Hey, you're not allergic to leprosy, are you?"
They never laugh
'Cause they're busy imagining making a suit out of my skin
'Cause they're murderers, they already put the lotion in the basket
I don't even know what type of massage I'm getting
When I get a massage, they're like
"Do you want a deep tissue, a Shiatzu, or a Swedish massage?"
I'm like, "I'll take the blonde, I dunno"
'Cause men view massages differently
A woman gets a massage, her friends are like, "Good for you"
A guy gets a massage, "You dirty dog, ah"
'Cause men sexualize all human interaction
"It was a therapeutic massage"
"How therapeutic?"
"Nothing happened"
"Yeah, that's what we'll tell your wife, huh?"
That's gotta be frustrating for massage therapists, that double meaning
"Did you get a massage or a massage?"
No other occupation has to deal with that
"Did you get a cavity filled or a cavity filled?"
"How man dentistry references is he gonna have?"
For me, a massage is just an hour of awkwardness, right?
She, uh, she gets done, she leaves the room
I put on the robe, I step outside, she hands me a glass of water
I always look at her and go, "You're never gonna call me
"What a charade"
I did have one massage therapist
She told me they're allowed to turn people down
I don't know why she told me that
It was after a show
Can you imagine getting turned down by a massage therapist?
That's rough
"Yeah, you couldn't pay me to touch you
Not for all the money on the planet"
Written by: Jim Gaffigan
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