album cover
Genetic Test
244
Standup Comedy
Genetic Test was released on July 13, 2018 by Comedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company as a part of the album Noble Ape
album cover
Release DateJuly 13, 2018
LabelComedy Dynamics, A Nacelle Company
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
Acousticness
Valence
Danceability
Energy
BPM146

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS
Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan
Performer
COMPOSITION & LYRICS
Jim Gaffigan
Jim Gaffigan
Songwriter

Lyrics

[Verse 1]
Oh, I did one of those genetic tests
I was surprise to find out I'm all Asian
You do learn things from those genetic tests
Like, I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks
They send you information
Mine just said, "Dude, you're white
In fact, you're very white
I hope you feel guilty"
They didn't even break out my nationality
They just highlighted all the British Isles
They're like, "You're trash from here
Wherever people need sunscreen"
But what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests?
Like, oh my gosh, I'm related to my ancestors
You're only gonna find out bad news
You see it in the commercials
"I thought I was Italian, but it ends up my great-grandma was a whore
So, I guess I'm Eastern European"
Sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are whores
And I am
No, my point is only good family news is passed along
Like, if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln
You'd already know that
But if your great-grandfather was the town drunk
Your grandpa's likely to go, "Uh, I don't remember
"I think he worked in a bar, chief gutter inspector"
I do know I have some Irish ancestry
But apparently the Irish didn't keep great records
'Cause, well, draw your own conclusion
Somethin' tells me they weren't busy sunbathing
I'm Irish but I have blonde hair
Supposedly, the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair
It's 'cause the Vikings invaded, pillaged, and probably other stuff
Those Vikings, these Scandinavians
I don't know if you've been to Sweden
It's like a whole country of Scarlett Johanssons
If I was in Ireland at that time, I woulda been
"Oh, no, some Viking lady's coming to pillage me
I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals
Hopefully, she can help me put together that table"
They say last names can tell you something
Like, if your last name is Cooper
That means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels
If your last name is Cantor
That means somebody along the line was a singer
My last name is Gaffigan
Which is Gaelic for highly anxious
And when I learned that all I can feel was highly anxious
How anxious do you have to be
For people to go, "You should go with that as your name?"
"Why's that?"
"That's what we call you anyway"
It does seem like some last names were chosen to impress, right?
You know someone's like
"You know what, I want the ladies to know I'm successful
So, I'm gonna go with the last name Gold-man
Goldman, what are you goin' with?"
"Wiener
I want the ladies to know I like hot dogs"
But who knows, maybe last names mean nothing
You know, where I'm from in Indiana
There is a guy who owns an RV dealership
And his name is Tom Raper
That's his name
And their are billboards, "Come see Tom Raper"
And people go
"Well, we should check it out"
Now, I don't know why we would let someone named Raper sell RVs
They are essentially mobile crime scenes
If my last name were Raper, I wouldn't leave the house
How do you even go out to dinner?
"Party of two, Raper
Is there a Raper here?"
Are there family reunions?
"Are you a Raper? I'm a Raper"
"Is this your son? He looks just like a Raper"
So fun getting all the Rapers together"
In Milwaukee, I stayed in a hotel named The Fister
That was the name, The Fister
And, and obviously, they were sensitive to it sounding weird
So they added a P at the front
So, it was the P-Fister
"Hey, it worked for Michelle P-Feiffer"
And that hotel was started by a man named Guido Fister
"What's up? My name's Guido Fister
Why don't I go into hospitality?"
Guido Fister, his name sounds like an ethnic slur
"Get outta here. you guido fister
Go fist somewhere else"
Written by: Jim Gaffigan
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