Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream

About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down

In the bottom of our chests, about that special feeling

We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles

Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver

Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job

I'm your average white suburbanite slob

I like football and porno and books about war

I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor

My wife and my job, my kids and my car

My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested

Oh no, no way, uh-uh, no, I've gotta go out and have fun

At someone else's expense, oh yeah, yeah-yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane

While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I use public toilets and I piss on the seat

I walk around in the summertime saying

How about this heat?

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces

While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song

Ranting and raving and carrying on

Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Nah, I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible

Hot pink with whale skin hub caps and all-leather cow interior

And big brown baby seal eyes for highlights, yeah

And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at a hundred and fifteen miles

Per hour, getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder

Cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable

Styrofoam containers, and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball

Burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag

And then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side

And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it

You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why

Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, okay? Russia, Germany, Romania

They can have all the democracy they want, they can have a big democracy

Cake walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make

A lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?

John Wayne's not dead, he's frozen, and as soon as we find the cure

For cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off

You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well

Multiple that by fifteen million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be

I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes, and Lee Marvin (Hey)

And Sam Pekinpah and a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas (Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

(Hey, you know you really are an asshole?)

Why don't you just shut up and sing the song, pal?

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)

I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E, everybody, A-S-S-H-O-L-E

I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it