Epic Rap Battle of Manliness

I was born With hair on my chest A gleam in my eye To latch on to a breast I cut my own umbilical cord With my razor sharp teeth Then I drove home And my mom rode on In the back seat I didn't go through puberty, Puberty went through me And it was never even awkward 'Cause I made it happened instantly If you address a letter to "Man" And put it in the mail Rest assured I'd receive it But I ain't gonna be your pan pal My time is too valuable for that I'll be too busy working a jackhammer You're a mama's boy I was born in an arctic cave And adopted by wolves That's how I was raised I didn't drink milk I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes I killed the first man that I met With just my firm handshake I potty trained myself You're still bed-wetting I smell like charcoal when I'm sweating And was my best man at my own wedding Search Google Images For masculinity Feel free to Photoshop your face On that image of me Creative Commons, punk Meanwhile I'll be adjusting some really large nuts I rise before the sun Screw circadian rhythm I bathe with sandpaper And my underwear is denim I shave with a box cutter Blindfolded as well 'Cause if I look in the mirrot I intimidate myself I've got no need for sleep I never shut my eyes I tie fishing lures While I memorize Apache war cries The sun comes up When I tell it I'm ready Then I trim my nose hair With a razor-sharp machete I'm manly 'cause I'm so handy Even my feet are hands I built a hobbit house For a homeless man Without using any plans My kids jungle gym Has a full-size trapeze And I modified my garden hose To despense nacho cheese I'm handy too I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan Into your bedroom My right incisor's A Philips head screwdriver I made my sun deck Into a holodeck Where I hang out with MacGyver My GPS gets its sense of direction from me I can drive ten hours Without stopping to take a leak I don't avert my eyes When I pass roadkill And I teach an online course In parallel parking skills When my car breaks down I don't call a mechanic I just open the hood And then I stare at it ...and then I call a mechanic But I won't be cheated He's not gonna talk me in to repairs That I don't know that I needed I can sleep alone in the woods Without a tent I might get a little scared But then I get over it I tie knots that Eagle scouts Haven't even heard of Like the double overhand Figure-eight fisherman's bird glove Well, I got the know-how To properly grill every part of a cow And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out I'll break your face with a plate If you want it well-done And your wife is always asking me To toast her buns I'm too much man for a manicure I don't even have cuticles For the sake of convenience I keep a urinal in my cubicle I can barefoot ski I can smell the fear of bees I threw up in my mouth That one time that I watched Glee I am my own boss My middle name is Hoss I don't even know what it feels like To sit with my legs crossed I've never been shopping I don't remove pizza toppings I can tell the age of a mountain goat Just by sniffing its droppings