Whole Foods is Coming

So, I am white. I like to establish that. I live in Harlem, which is fun. I love living in Harlem. When you're white in Harlem, people say things to you that you're pretty sure they're only saying to the white people. I was looking for an apartment. The broker, she's doing her pitch midway through she gets awkward. She starts looking around the room. She's like, "And don't worry. Whole Foods is coming." She sounded like a gentrification Paul Revere. Just like, "Whole Foods is coming. Fresh fruit is on the way, whittie." Six brokers, they all did the same fucking thing. Don't worry Whole... As if Whole Foods is where white people go to recharge their powers. Like I'd ever go crawling into Whole Foods sweating like, "I'm so weak. Get me pomegranate!" And the Whole Foods is now open in Harlem and I do have to admit, I feel a lot better. The woman at the door is like, "Welcome to Whole Foods." I was like, "Thank God you're here. The other markets have chicken feet."

Now I have to explain something about that joke. That's my favorite line of the joke is the chicken feet line, because white people aren't sure how racist it is. And that's the fun part about moving to a place that's not your own, is you learn about stereotypes, which are true, which are not true, which are not well-marketed. That's a very important thing. They say like, "Black people are loud in movie theaters." It would be correct, but it's the best movie theater loud. It's fun. They don't get credit for how great the black movie theater loud is. Jews are just as loud in movie theaters, it's much fucking worse. Very different. Black people react. Jews review. Go to any movie on Christmas after every preview, you'll hear one old Jewish woman just go, "Nope. Not for me." That's what it's like to have a Jewish mom. Every time you walk in the fucking house, "You're wearing that? Not for me." I want a black mother. You walk in, she's like, "Oh shit! You should change your shoes."