I'll Never Know

I had to spend my younger days sorting out my mom's mistakes Grew up faster than my skin and bones I looked up to my father's ghost I always had to fabricate Surviving in my fantasy alone All my friends were in my head I made up fairy tales in bed To get by I had to be my own escape There wasn't one good thing to say Just kept my head below the fray Until you're grown up here's the way It's gonna be, kid, every single day Every single day Every single day Is there any hope I'm wanted Really no surprise I'm haunted by Not ever having someone just to show me how to shave Or even how to treat someone I love It's something I'm terrified of I wish I had another shot at Talking to my dad again It tears me up to read this back But how the fuck could white and black Convey all of the colors that my body showed off years ago And maybe I said I'd forgive But I'm still here with heaving ribs My nights are filled with "but what if"s And figuring out how to live My life How to live my life How to live my life As I navigate relationships I validate through strangers lips I'm left here wondering what I'm supposed to do I'm backfilling my childhood days With every single breath of praise And accolades that should have come from you And please don't think I'd sell you out We do our best with where and how We're dropped into this world But I just wish I would have known I'd be clenching my fists around the throats Of demons that didn't know existed Until I wrote these words I wish you'd taught me how to cope But I Can't go back And I Can't relax Until I know But I guess I'll never know I'll learn this on my own Just like I did before When I was alone