I Don't Drink

I screwed up, I just wanna say I'm sorry It's all my fault, you should probably ignore me Oh my God, should've given you a warning All my friends are sick and tired of the story I don't drink, 'cause when I'm drunk I'm annoying Call your phone when it's three in the morning Start a fight, parked a whip in your garden Prolly think, I am mentally retarded Please don't call me crazy 'cause I'm not (because I'm not) Last night, I had one too many shots (too many shots) Blacked out, got arrested by the cops (woo) Woke up on the neighbour's front lawn Every time that I'm hungover, I convince myself I'm dying Where the hell'd my pants go and why is my girlfriend crying? I say that I remember what I did, but I am lying There's a tattoo on my butt-cheek It's a beer can and he's smiling I'm pretty sure that last night went down in history We made it out alive and that's a victory Black eyes and minor injuries We lost a fight together, that's a win to me I don't drink, 'cause when I'm drunk I'm retarded Ask around, I'm the life of the party Hold my beer 'cause I'm only getting started Who cares about tomorrow and the misery? I'm a mess and I know you don't deserve it You're the best and I'm a pretty stupid person Nonetheless you try to help me 'cause I'm hurting I confess, sometimes I feel like I'm not worth it I don't drink 'cause when I'm drunk I'm a problem (OK) I don't care who I hurt, I feel awesome (I feel awesome) Holy crap, it's either jail or a coffin Soon enough, I'ma be at rock bottom (yeah) Please help, tell me how'd I end up here (where am I?) Last night I had one too many beers (too many beers) Flashbacks but I can't remember clear Why I texted all my exes and we haven't spoke in years Every time that I'm hungover, last night doesn't feel so funny I threw up all my front step and I wasted all my money I got naked in a night club, right in front of all my buddies Then I went home with some girl I thought was hot but she is ugly I'm pretty sure that last night went down in history We made it out alive and that's a victory Black eyes and minor injuries We lost a fight together, that's a win to me I don't drink 'cause when I'm drunk I'm retarded Ask around, I'm the life of the party Hold my beer 'cause I'm only getting started Who cares about tomorrow and the misery? Call my phone Okay, be quiet, can you hear it? I don't hear it Damn oh no, my sexy photos, can we clear it? We need to clear it I'm pretty sure that last night went down in history We made it out alive and that's a victory Black eyes and minor injuries We lost a fight together, that's a win to me I don't drink 'cause when I'm drunk I'm retarded Ask around, I'm the life of the party Hold my beer 'cause I'm only getting started Who cares about tomorrow and the misery? Hello? Hello, babe Hello, babe I was just recording me calling you so I could put it in the song Oh, okay I love you I love you, too Bye Bye