A Monument to Silence

Dissociated and at arm's length is all I hope to be Those happy faces and knowing eyes forever will haunt me The way they look on, the way they follow, disapprovingly Their judgement falls on these deafened ears, I've done it all before Yes I remember (the choice) Who I am (doubtful) And I remember (the pain) What drove me here The vicious cycle (of trust) Of anxiety And then depression (rotting) Living miserably This hollow rotting that no one sees had festered far too long And thus I made the decision to just leave it all behind To escape feeling nothing I tried to become it myself And what have I found except more pain? More torment? I thought giving up life a worthy sacrifice, what else could I do? What else could I do to try to escape and avoid this tragedy Has death been better here in this place, or is it just the same? A hunt, a trial, a conviction and meaningless ecstasy Yet you can still die This is not a death threat, oh no This is a promise Do you want to leave here? Do you want a way out? Yes, we can deliver you Want to know how, dear? Just drink Do you want to leave here? Do you want a way out? Please, let us deliver you And now I've returned (back home) To dull facsimile To worthless offers (for help) And more lies The more I swallowed (before) The less I felt this way And now I want more (drink it) And to drown To escape feeling nothing I tried to become it myself And what have I found except more pain? More torment? I thought giving up life a worthy sacrifice, what else could I do? What else could I do to try to escape and avoid this tragedy To see the lights go, would be such solace To hear them all crying, a holy symphony To know I'd never feel so hollow again And just once to be able to sleep free from pain Follow the leader to that old familiar place That well of pain and hate and guilt and shame I want to drown with an audience knowing why I want to drown for good and to finally die I'm over this Don't ever assume I wanted saving or that I wanted to live With a crowd in tow I make my way back to the garden There is nothing left for me to do but jump in again That thick red fluid once gulped down looks inviting Should I dive in or sink myself? I know this place and why I'm here The center and the source of this hollow ache Standing atop and looking all around I've never been so afraid yet so sure Droves of the dead all reach out in shock As I step back and fall in And self pity, it beckons Despite all I do it won't shake away The more that I rationalize these thoughts the more they seem to inflame And the cycle continues The finger's pointed but the blame remains Digging deeper within me just causes the world itself to fade