An Irish Pub Song

There's a county map to go on the wall A hurling stick and a shinty ball The bric, the brac, the craic and all Let's call it an Irish pub (Hey) Caffreys, Harp, Kilkenny on tap The Guinness pie and that cabbage crap The ideal wannabee Paddy trap We'll call it an Irish pub Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I swear upon the holy book The only 'craic' you'll get is a slap in the ear Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I'll up and burst yer filthy mug If you draw one more shamrock in me beer! (Hey) We'll raise the price o' beer a dollar We'll make em wear a shirt and collar We'll fly a bloody tri-colour And call it an Irish pub Jager bombs and double shots The underagers think its tops We'll spike the drinks and pay the cops We got us an Irish pub The quick one in the filthy bog The partin' glass across the lug O' the lady-O, the dirty dog We got us an Irish pub It's over to me (and over to you) We'll skip along the Avenue (And who t'hell is Ronnie Drew?) We got us an Irish pub Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I swear upon the holy book The only 'craic' you'll get is a slap in the ear Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I'll up and burst yer filthy mug If you draw one more shamrock in me beer! Plasma screens and neon lights Kara-farkin-oke nights The bouncers they can pick the fights We'll call it an Irish pub Plastic cups, a polished floor We'll hose the blood right out the door And let the knucklers back for more We got us an Irish pub Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I swear upon the holy book The only 'craic' you'll get is a slap in the ear Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I'll up and burst yer filthy mug If you draw one more shamrock in me beer! Oh top o' the mornin', Garryowen Kiss me I'm Irish, Molly Malone Failte, Slainte, Pog ma thon We got us an Irish pub Spike the punch and strip the willow Strike me up the rakes o' Mallow The Liffey never ran so shallow We got us an Irish pub Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I swear upon the holy book The only 'craic' you'll get is a slap in the ear Whale, oil, beef, hooked! I'll up and burst yer filthy mug If you draw one more shamrock in me beer!