Re-Quieted

Conflicting goals and desires I wanna start fires, but I only feel ice Will it only be me who pays a price If you decide that you regret being nice Please don't let me end each conversation With I'd better let you go (I'd better let you go) Was I wrong to work so hard to brush it off Each time you told me no? (You told me no, you told me) I work to maintain, I minimize pain, I wanna be easy to choose It wasn't a game, but somehow I trusted you not to let me lose 'Cause I told you "please tell me if I ever push" You promised, you said you didn't want me to shush You've clearly forgotten if you thought I'd take a hint All the best and worst parts of my year carry your fingerprints Conflicting goals and desires I wanna start fires, but I only feel ice Will it only be me who pays a price If you decide that you regret being nice When you left me there to tend a tiny thing we planted side by side I wished my thumb was green, it never was, and you knew that it was not So I wish you'd told me sooner that you wanted me to let it die Instead of slinking out of earshot, and thinking out of earshot, I overindulge, I overreact, I overthink everything, over-redact I wish you'd left sooner, I wish you'd come back, will it never be safe, to trust or unpack? When do I try again? How long do I wait? What do I do with the goddamn garden gate? When do I try again? How long do I wait? What do I do with the goddamn garden gate? When do I try again? How long do I wait? What do I do with the goddamn garden gate? When do I try again? How long do I wait? If you come back will it be too late? (I know that I'm not hard to choose And I won't be easy to lose) Will it ever be requited? Will it ever be my turn? Everything knowing you quieted suddenly tries to return Will it ever be re-quieted? What the hell am I supposed to learn? Everything knowing you quieted, suddenly tries to return There's nothing more I can do, to make myself easy to choose But know I can't help but refuse, to make myself easy to lose So I will leave you be, But I won't close the door behind me