Well, I tried to find more musicians

To help me with this

Cause apparently people like to watch musicians

But all I could find

Were carrots and sticks

See, I'm developing a fear of checking my damned emails

So, I just check the fields

But when that failed

I said I'd get a good haircut

So I'd be more interesting

For you to look at

But, my hairdresser

Well, he's partially deaf, and partially dead, and totally uninterested in fashion

Although, he has reinvented Communism all by himself

And he sent me to sleep

With his garbled Das Kapital

And when I awoke

Well, I had a beehive

I gave him twelve quid and a small family of woodlice in a swan matchbox for a tip

He told me to get out

To renounce my religion, and get out

And then later, when I next saw him

Well, he was crying down The King's Head

He had his head in his hands

His scissors were all bent

So I asked him if he'd like to play guitar

For The Cool Greenhouse's upcoming tour

But he just laughed

And laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and laughed

Up next, I saw a kid

While he was kicking strangers in the shins

In a rhythmical way

Like some sort of gabber officianado

And he agreed to play the drums for me

If I bought him a bottle of Absolut vodka and a ten pack of Marlboro Reds

So, that's what I did

And then I never saw him ever again

Oh, and two pink grannys on a bench over the way

Just shook their heads

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Ho, ho, ho, ho

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Ho, ho, ho, ho