Just sick of all the pretending we're doing all the time

Like, I don't think we should be letting these autistic kids score touchdowns

I know, I know, makes me sound like a monster

I'm just saying, if you don't know, at the fourth quarter of every high school football game

Now they're putting in the autistic kid

He's like, "I'm gonna be a touchdown, we all cheer"

Look, I get it, I'm not mad at him, it's just the pretending, okay?

Also, he's already got his own Olympics

It just feels greedy at this point

To come for the fourth quarter of every high school football game

Like, he's gonna be special for the rest of his life

These high school jocks, it is all downhill from here for them, alright?

This is their last shot at glory being taken away from them

There's not a day we pretend they're good at stuff they're bad at, that doesn't happen

It's not a day where, like, Kyle, the quarterback, gets to show up at AP Calculus

And just be like, "The square root of forty-nine is hypotenuse"

And then all the Asian kids are like, "Yeah! Yeah!"

"Kyle's, like, an engineer for today"

"Kyle can be anything he wants"

It's like, "No, he can be a personal trainer, what are we doing here?"

Goddamn, it's just all lies, all the time, you know?

Even sober people, I get jealous of sober people

For how many likes they get on social media

For telling you how long it's been since they last had a drink

I see this all the time, it's like

It's been eight-hundred and thirty-two days since I last had a drink

Thank God for AA, and that shit blows up

It goes viral, it's like, "Like, like, you're amazing"

"You're the best, keep it up, like, like, like"

And I'm sitting there watching that, being like, "All you did was nothing"

Like, you literally haven't done something

Why are we celebrating this so much?

Also, what the hell happened to the anonymous part, huh?

I'm feeling like you're just guilt-tripping me at this point

Maybe I do have a problem, alright

Just amazing to me, bragging about doing nothing

Can incels do this?

Can incels be like, "Yeah, it's been fourteen-hundred and thirty-two days since I last had sex"

"Thank God for Comic-Con"

I couldn't have done it without Fortnite, you know

You always should be bragging and you almost never hear from them

Functional alcoholics, they're the ones

Who should be bragging, but they gotta keep it on the down low

We got some here tonight, well done

I just want you guys to pipe up a little bit more

And be like, "Yeah, I've been drunk at work eighty-three days in a row"

You may haven't noticed yet

Where's my chip, you know?

Oh, you guys are fun, alright