So a month ago or so, I was feeling super confident and sexy. And so, of course, I figured, hey, you know what? I’m gonna just put myself out there and organise some dates…

But oh my babies

There are dates

And then there’s the stuff I’VE been getting up to…

Friday night, I had pinned a

Date in the diary with a boy from Tinder

Six foot three, worked in the city

Boring job but he were pretty

(Ooh)

He said

Where and when?

(Ooh)

I said meet at ten

Kinda late but it gave me a bit more

Time to make sure I looked fit

Have a shower, style my hair

Spend an hour on what to wear

Painting my nails and shaving my face and

Making my bed….just in case

Put my favourite Beyoncé on

Drink a glass of Sauvignon Blanc

I’m looking so glamorous, feeling alright

And I text the boy, “still on for tonight?”

*send*

*ding*

It’s getting late…

Yeah

*send*

*ding*

And I can’t wait…

Yeah?

*send*

*ding*

…to head home, cos I’m actually knackered, are you free next week instead?

Sure!

*send*

*ding*

So sorry!

Don’t worry, just lemme know when, no hurry!

*send*

Hey girl

Hey girl

Let’s go out

(oh)

The second I hit the floor

Everything from before

Fades away

Cos I’m dancing from the window to the wall

(ooh-ooh)

Who cares about that guy

(ooh-ooh)

Who left me high and dry?

(ooh-ooh)

It’s no big deal

And it doesn’t affect my self-esteem at all

Cos I might have had

One date cancel

But I’m feeling fine about it

So yeah, these things happen

Yeah, exactly, it was no big deal

I mean, sure, I wasted a bit of time shaving my… legs

Nevermind cos one week later

I met a cute gallery curator

Wanna rip off his double denim

Make his bed like Tracy Emin

(Ooh)

So we set a date

(Ooh)

Wednesday at the Tate

Then he cancelled, but he said:

Hey let’s do Saturday instead?

One more day for getting ready

Haircut, wet shave, mani-pedi

Pop all my pimples, primp up my face

Haven’t wanked all week - just in case ;)

Getting nervous, google Van Gogh

Down a pint of Cabernet Sauv

Order an uber and when they arrive

I text the boy “hey, see you in 5?”

*send*

You on your way?

*send*

….hey?

*send*

Hello...?

*send*

Hey girl

Aw not again

It’s fine!

Let’s go out

(oh)

The second I hit the town

Forget he let me down

And I get down

Cos the club

Can’t even handle me right now

(ooh-ooh)

Won’t chop off my ear

(ooh-ooh)

For boys who don’t appear

(ooh-ooh)

It’s no big deal

And all art is pretentious bullshit anyhow

So I might have had

Three dates cancel-

*ding*

Hey, really sorry, only just got home and charged my phone - listen, ugh, I’ve had an absolute nightm-

But I’m feeling fine about it

Took a risk with date number 4

Bit awkward cos we snogged before

But I thought he might not dismiss me

Cos at least once he tried to kiss me

(Ooh)

He said:

Okay sure

(Ooh)

I’ve got a rugby tour

But I’ve got time before my flight

So call me up later on tonight

Pluck my brows, ring him on the phone

(Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

Hear the international dial tone

Date number 5 and I’m excited

Feels like this time something’s right

He *ding* didn’t seem like the type to…

*boop*

Omigosh no, of course, it’s totally fine, ugh appendicitis is the worst - you get that thing out of there!! Hahaha…

Date no. 6, I’m feeling shoddy

If he cancels, might kill someb-

*ding*

                

Date no. seven

*ding*

D-

*ding*

Date Nine, now the first one’s back in touch

(Do I always sweat this much?)

Says he’ll meet me at the bar

“Yay can’t wait”

*send*

HA HA HA

Wash my body for an hour

You can’t see tears in the shower!!

Tissues and ice-cream are ready in place

Downloaded Titanic - just in case

Pose before my full length mirror

Analyse my every flaw

Come to accept I’ll be fine on my own as I

Crawl into bed, go to turn off my phone

*ding*

Work kept me late…

So sorry I went straight…

…to the bar but I’m a bit early, so no rush, can’t wait!

R u sure?

 What?

I mean, great! Just heading out the door!

*send*

HEY GIRL

I’m on my way

NO, HE’S THERE

WHAT?

I’M GOING OUT!!

WOO!

The second I hit the bar

I spot him from afar

And I know my heart will go on

Near, far, wherever you are

I pull up a chair

There’s magic in the air

As he leans in and says:

Have you done something new with your hair?

(Ahhhh)

SOMEONE CARES!!!!

Aaaaahhh!!!

I seem to make him laugh

He’s friendly to the staff

And he tells me about the stock exchange

For an hour and a half!

He says:

This was fun

Walks me home at half-past 1

He asks if I’ve got any plans this weekend, I say “NONE!”

(NONE!)

Cos I might’ve had

One two three four five six squish uh-uh cicero lipschitz seven

Eight dates cancel

Cancel

But number nine was alright