Would You Rather... - Dane Cook: Song Lyrics, Music Videos & Concerts

Would You Rather...

759

Comedy

Would You Rather... was released on July 22, 2003 by Comedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records as a part of the album Harmful if Swallowed

Song Details

AlbumHarmful if Swallowed

Release DateJuly 22, 2003

LabelComedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records

LanguageEnglish

Melodicness

Acousticness

Valence

Danceability

Energy

BPM187

OVERVIEW

LYRICS

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS

Dane Cook

Spoken Word

COMPOSITION & LYRICS

Dane Cook

Songwriter

PRODUCTION & ENGINEERING

Dane Cook

Producer

Lyrics

There's certain ways that people when

They bite it and they show it on the news

You laugh

Like when, like how do you, who gets killed by bees?

Anytime they come on the news like

"Oh yeah, a man was in Austin killed by bees"

I just fucking laugh

How do you get killed by bees?

If you're walking through the woods, right?

And, and you come near a bush and you hear

Just, you know, run away from that bush

Who's going near that bush going

"Hey, is that, is that bees?

Hold on one second

Oh Jesus!"

Dude, fuck that

I would punch every bee in the face

Bees are not taking me out

Yeah, fuck you bee

Alright bee, come on

Yeah bzz

Where's the next bee at?

It's a fucking bee

I could understand if it was like killer horses

That's scary shit

Flying through the air, kicking you in the face

That's scary

Fuck bees

Fuck bees

Or like sharks

Did sharks get together and just go

"Let's start attacking people"

That guy on the news again the other day

A couple days ago

He got bit by like a shark

And the shark let him go

He was telling the story

They brought him back to the beach

Which is just where he wants to fucking be

Anywhere near the ocean again

And the news reporter was like

"What happened?

Why did the shark attack you?

Were you taunting it?"

"Yeah, I go into the sea sometimes just to fuck around with the sharks

I have this thing called a shark rocket and I shoot it at them

And it really annoys them

And then I just wade there in the water and they come at me

But I'm really good at eluding them

I know of this hip move

It's something porpoises do

And then I pretend I have a bottleneck and I stab 'em in the gills

And it really is effective"

He pulled up his shirt and it was like

He had the bite right fucking there

He told the story

He was like

"Oh, it was like twelve feet long

And I was just, I was swimming

And all of a sudden

Oh!

Oh no!"

Right, so this fucking shark

And then she goes

"Well how did you get away?"

He goes

"I punched it and he let me go"

Let's recap this

A fucking shark coming through the water

Right, and this guy

"Hey"

The fucking shark goes

Goes over to this guy, bites

This guy punches it in the face

And a shark goes

"Alright!"

And tell me there is no time in your life you

Swim faster than when a fucking shark lets you go

You're just like

You're on the beach

Fucking shark lets you go

If you don't get pussy with that story

"Wanna see my scar?

Yeah, I punched a shark in the face

Tried to swim away, grabbed him, pulled him back

He tried to get away, grabbed him, punched him again

I grabbed him by the big throat

I said 'Fuck you shark'

I said it

Well the water was

I was like

'Fuck you shark'

'Cause the water was in my mouth"

No one wants to drown

Drowning would be the worst

'Cause everyone knows that feeling

That feeling that you get

Oh, it's the worst when you think you're drowning

Like during the summer, you know, you're like

You know, at a pool party or something

"I'm gonna go into the deep end

Watch my dive, watch my dive"

Right, and then you dive in

And the second you get to the bottom you're like

"Get me out of here!

Where's the surface?"

And you always come up under the kid on the raft

"Jesus Christ Timmy!

Do not float above me when I'm dying in the abyss

Your son almost killed me with his Daffy Duck raft over here John

Your son tried to murder me in your pool

Float away from me, float away"

Fire

Has anybody here ever been fully engulfed in fire?

It's gotta be so hot

That is way too fucking hot

It's the worst feeling when you burn yourself too

Even a little tiny

You know, sometimes you're making some soup

Or some oodles and noodles or something

Or you're cooking up some crack

And you know, you touch the side of the pot

Just

Oh whoa!

That fucking kills

That little thing

You can't take a shower for like three weeks

You gotta like hold your hand out 'cause the steam makes you angry

Try to bring your hand in

Ooh!

I hate steam

Whoever invented steam sucks

You know what would be the worst?

This would be the ultimate worst right here

What if you dove in the pool

And while you were at the bottom of the pool freaking out

Somebody poured oil on the surface and lit it on fire

Yeah, then you're like

You gotta just keep swimming around feeling

For a spot where there's no fucking fire

Then what if you found a circle where there was no fire

But the second you came up a big dude just punched you in the face

"Get back in the fiery water

You don't come out of the fiery water

Cover up that hole with some fire now

Get back in the fiery water"

Written by: Dane Cook

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