90 Percent Sure (feat. Ken Marino) [Duet]

I went to the coffee shop

You know, for coffee

And all of the sudden it hit me like wow

All this time I've been a hundred percent

But I'm only like 90 right now

90 percent that's pretty high

Uh uhh not to this guy

I want a baby but only 90 percent that's not enough

I don't want a baby that I'm gonna resent and stuff

I already have two kids so family-wise I'm set

How can I have a third one that there's a ten percent chance I'll regret

What's important right now is that I'm true to myself

I can't help it if that's inconvenient for somebody else

I deserve to be 100 percent sure in everything that I do

So I'm not sure I wanna unthaw the embryo I spent all your money making with you

But it's not my fault I'm only 90 percent sure

I can't just force my brain to somehow make it 10 percent more

I talked to my mom and dad

And they said

It was fine

Even though you just turned 40

And the only embryo you have is mine

I'm so confused right now

90 percent's a lot of percent

It might as well not be any

I'm entitled to my feelings

You said three words too many

I know you said you'd support me since I'm unemployed

I know you love me and did all the sex stuff I enjoyed

I know you moved to Culver City cause for some reason that's where I live

But I took a sip of coffee and thought

Oh well

But it's not my fault I'm only 90 percent sure

I can't just force the universe to manifest 10 percent more

But I forgive myself

Even if you don't

For the fact that I have a family

And I guess now

You probably won't

Who puts a percentage on anything

That alone is weird

But if we're doing that I'm only 90 percent sure

You could pull off that beard

I'm 90 percent sure I hate that shirt

And that you peaked a decade ago

But don't worry it's only 90

So do I think that?

I guess no

I'm 90 percent sure I'll grab a pen and jab it in your eye

Or put cyanide in your oatmeal and peacefully watch you die

Or take a pillow and hold it over your stupid face

Then dissolve your body and make you disappear without a trace

Or maybe grab your necktie and squeeze til you're blue

But relax it's only 90

That means it's something I'll never do

Ah come on

It's not my fault I'm only 90 percent sure

Or maybe snap your neck real hard

Sure you and I both wish it was more

Then bury you in my yard

But wait there is one thing

I'm 100 percent sure is true

I was lying when I promised

That I'd never write a song about you