Listen to Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In the West) by Benny Hill

Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In the West)

Benny Hill

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Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS
Benny Hill
Benny Hill
Performer
COMPOSITION & LYRICS
Benny Hill
Benny Hill
Songwriter

Lyrics

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground And the clatter of the wheels as they spun round and round And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest His name was Ernie And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue She lived all alone in Linley Lane at number 22 They said she was too good for him She was haughty, proud, and chic But Ernie got his cocoa there, three times every week They called him Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west She said she'd like to bathe in milk He said, alright sweetheart And when he finished work one night, he loaded up the cart He said, "You wanted pasteurised 'cause pasteurised is best" She says Ernie I'll be happy if it comes up to me chest And that tickled old Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (ah-woo) Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man Called Two Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies It very near turned her head She nearly swooned at his macaroon And he said now if you treat me right You'll have hot rolls every morning And crumpets every night He knew once she'd sampled his layer cake He'd have his wicked way And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day Poor Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west (ah-woo) One lunchtime Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four And as he leaped down from his van Hot blood through his veins did course And he went across to Ernie's cart And he didnarf kick his horse Whose name was Trigger (Trigger) And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west Now Ernie rushed out into the street His gold top in his hand He said if you want to marry Susie You'll fight for her like a man Oh, why don't we play cards for her? He sneeringly replied And just to make it interesting We'll have a shilling on the side Now Ernie dragged him from his van And beneath the blazing sun They stood there face to face And Ted went for his bun But Ernie was too quick Things didn't go the way Ted planned And a strawberry flavoured yoghurt Sent it spinning from his hand Now Sue, she ran between them And tried to keep them apart And Ernie pushed her aside And a rock cake caught him underneath his heart And he looked up in pained surprise And the concrete hardened crust Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye And Ernie bit the dust Poor Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die Now he's gone to make deliveries In that milk round in the sky Where the customers are angels And ferocious dogs are banned And a milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy dairy land But a woman's needs are manyfold And Sue she married Ted But strange things happened on their wedding night As they lay in their bed Was that the trees a rustling Or the hinges of the gate Or Ernie's ghostly gold top a rattling in their crate They won't forget Ernie (Ernie) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west
Writer(s): Benny Hill Lyrics powered by www.musixmatch.com
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