Professor Whiskers

Professor Whiskers is a cat and a man He's not quite a cat, he's not quite a man He does cat things like getting stuck in the door Lickin' his penis and shitting on the floor It's pretty full on when he licks his dick It makes my guests a little bit sick Because he is still half a man, and his penis is that of a man Professor Whiskers He's got the body of a man Professor Whiskers But he's got the brain of a man Professor Whiskers Not quite sure what part is a cat Professor Whiskers has the body of a man And the arm of a man, and the leg of a man The hair of a man, the ear of a man The toes of a man and the arm of a man Just to be clear, he's completely a man But he's not a professor, don't you understand? Professor Whiskers is his cat name His proper person name is Wayne And while he lectured for a time, he is currently unemployed Professor Whiskers The neighbour's cat is preg-a-nent Professor Whiskers There are no other cats in the neighbourhood Professor Whiskers Don't wanna know how the cat got pregnant Professor Whiskers loves arching his back When he thinks his reflection is another cat Just like a cat, he loves burying turds And bringing us the gift of half dead birds And just like a cat, he has no balls He cut off his own balls Professor Whiskers He cut off his own balls Professor Whiskers He did it in the shed Professor Whiskers He loves to drink yummy milk But Professor Whiskers was a naughty kitty cat Because he did a widdle piddle on the mat So we put him in the car and drove into town We said to the vet "Please, put him down" The vet said "I can't do that, that's clearly a man" We said "Here's fifty bucks" "Let's fuckin' put him down" But the vet only injected a cat amount So instead of dying, he just flailed about He screamed "I'm not a real cat, my name is Wayne!" So we strangled him with his own leash and ended his pain But he grabbed a cricket bat and knocked us to the floor Ran outside and stole a Holden Commodore He drove down the street heading for the state line The vet said "I just need one bullet to take nine lives" The vet took out his revolver and fired one shot And the Holden Commodore rolled to a stop A police officer came up and said "You've killed a man!" We said "Here's fifty bucks" "You've killed a cat!" Professor Whiskers We buried him in the backyard Professor Whiskers The children made him a little cross Professor Whiskers His grave is next to Doggo Boy's And right across from Canary Man And don't forget about Lizard Boy And also, Man Man He's just a person we murdered! By backyard, I mean the State Belanglo Forest I'm a murderer