The Mystic Crystal

Oh yeah! Long ago and far away In labyrinths of coral caves A mystic crystal was forged in glass From magic or some shit like that Its powers had been used for good And all men lived in brotherhood Until The Necromancer came Upon his steed of bones and flame His prism eyes with evil gleamed He stole the crystal, then he screamed "Now gods and men and all between Shall blow my necromancing shween!" The knights and nobles of the land Did all they could to stay his hand Yet not a single blow was struck Alas! For he was strong as fuck Oh yeah! He grabbed The Princess from her throne And trapped her in the crystal stone The King called in his wizards three And begged them brokenheartedly "Search the forests, search the seas Search time and all realities Two champions are what I need To bring my daughter back to me!" "Yes, my king, it shall be done" The wizards said, and so begun A wondrous spell that soon would find The greatest men in space and time And that's where our story begins And Danny and Brian come in There is no quest from which they'd flee But right now they're in New Jersey Hey, Ninja Brian, is that a mystic space portal behind you? Oh shit! We woke up in a foreign land Inside a castle, oh so grand And there atop a throne of gold Arose The King, so gross and old "I've called you from the great beyond To save my daughter, hot and blonde You've sailed across the sky and stars The gods have brought you here unharmed" "Actually your majesty You just sucked us through 26 dimensions of space and time And I've gotta be completely honest with you My arms are broken And I don't know why my chest is smoking" "I will heal you with my staff I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh Now go! Ride toward the sun atop these noble steeds You're our spandex heroes now Fulfill your destinies" And so! We turned and rode beyond the castle walls With shining codpiece armor that doth cradled our chivalrous balls The sky grew dark and the road was narrow But I knew we'd never be led astray For Brian brought his magic arrows They were blessed to light our righteous way Ah! Brian, do you think you could warn me Before you're about to light our righteous way? Oh, god! Alright, fine, whatever, man Let's ride! The trees were twisted the air was thick T'was clear his domain was as evil as dick We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear Then the Pits of Disgust, and the Dark Swamp of Tears Then off in the distance so clear The cold gray peak of Mount Nasty appeared Past the Fields of Annoyance, and Dragon Barf Junction And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction Now Brian has erectile dysfunction Only Brian, though I know, it's weird We arrived at the evil one's hall And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve We hugged them goodbye and promised we'd never quit Then they ran straight away, for they gave not a shit Moonlight rose over the door Lit all the jewels and the skulls on the floor We felt no terror as we entered the cave Unless the bells of doom tolled we knew we'd be safe We knew we'd be safe! We knew we'd be sa- Oh fuck... Colored gemstones lit up the wall They formed a rainbow trail Up to a giant waterfall And there the Necromancer grinned The Princess stood frozen Yet still so hot beside him (Damn!) Then I heard a voice in my mind T'was The Princess! She said "Danny, your heart is kind Only light can stop dark!" I knew what she spoke of... To defeat The Necromancer I had to use love! "Stand back, Brian, I'm going to hug him!" He immediately shattered both my legs And threw me across the room "I probably should brought some weapons" I thought as I flew Then Ninja Brian picked me up Because he's a good friend Then he used my body like a club To beat our enemy to death I should have been in more pain Than could ever be spoken Luckily, I felt nothing Because my back was totes broken Oh, the Necromancer was dead And the crystal broke in three I looked up into the light and saw The Princess was now free "Brian, she's so beautiful! Roll me to her!" We journeyed gladly toward The King His lands now green with the life of spring He leapt up and wept at the sight Of his girl as she carried me through the night "Heal this man, wizards!", he cried with delight Which they did, goddamn, they keep their magic game tight But sadly it was time to leave So the king said "Fix Brian's E.D And hooray for Ninja Sex Party!" "Look, Ninja Brian, the Portal back home is opening!" Now fare thee well Now fare thee well, it seems that our journey is at an end We will be here, if you should ever need our help again We walked away but stopped and turned before we took our last step Brian killed a guy real quick to make sure he maintained his rep We all have our battles to fight And a crystal cage to break through in our lives But when hope is gone We will be there to help you rock the fuck on