album cover
Names
487
Comedy
Names was released on October 2, 2012 by Comedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records as a part of the album Standup Comedian
album cover
Release DateOctober 2, 2012
LabelComedy Central Records, under exclusive license to 800 Pound Gorilla Records
LanguageEnglish
Melodicness
Acousticness
Valence
Danceability
Energy

Credits

PERFORMING ARTISTS
Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Spoken Word
COMPOSITION & LYRICS
Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Songwriter
PRODUCTION & ENGINEERING
Demetri Martin
Demetri Martin
Producer

Lyrics

If I owned a copy store
I would only hire identical twins to work in it
Twins just look like God was running out of ideas
"I got to make another person?
Just do that one again
Come on
I got to take a break here
This is ridiculous"
Birds are one of the only other creatures
Who make their own houses
And they're one of the only creatures we make houses for
That is arrogant
"What's that, bird?
That's a house?
That's your house, huh?
That's like a shitty patio at best
Come on
It's just some sticks in a circle
This is embarrassing"
"You want a house?
Tell you what, I'll make you a house
It'll be like a little human house
There, a tiny little person house for you
I know you can fly
But I'm putting a roof on it
Tough shit
Deal with it"
A little hole that's too small for your body
You try to get in and out of there
Birds are in the house like
"I feel ridiculous
The other animals think we're trying to be little people"
"This is just really pathetic"
"Shut up, Louis
It's a free house
Don't shit in here
Go outside, all right?"
One time on vacation, I went snorkelling
Slash surprise, drinking a lot of water through a giant straw
Snorkel's very extreme
It goes from keeping you alive
To killing you way faster
There's no in-between
Just a deep breath and like
"Uh-oh, I'm too low"
I was having lunch with my friend
And I said, "Hey, you know what?
I got this, let me treat you"
And he said, "are you sure?"
Has anybody ever backed out at that point?
"Hey, I got this"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm glad you brought that up
I was bluffing
You called my bluff
I'm broke
Surprise
You got this
And I'm sure"
I said to my friend, "Hey, what's your middle name?"
He said, "I have two middle names."
And then I said, "Then you have no middle names
You have a space"
You have two middle names?
Your parents got greedy, huh?
Do you prefer one of them to the other?
You don't like either
What are they? (Roger and Elmer)
Roger and Elmer
All right
Elmer's not
Is that common in these parts?
I'm tryna ask a polite question just to make sure
Roger and Elmer
That sounds like the result
Of a very boring debate between your parents
"I like how pilots signify that they understood something"
"Well, I love glue"
"We can both win here"
"Elmer?"
"Roger"
"Yeah"
I don't watch sports as much as I used to
'Cause I'm always disappointed
I'd rather see the actual animals fighting
Than the teams with those names
Colts versus Bears
Yeah
See some horses and bears fighting alright
Wizards versus Heat
Fucking awesome
Magic versus Jazz
Uh, that's a little too gay for me
I think I'm going to pass on that one
I don't want to see Jazz fighting anything
Calm down, Jazz
Easy does it
These chords are getting very dissonant
And really weird with that 13 chord right there
Ease up on the magic
I don't know how to do magic
But I did turn a yoga mat into just a mat
Just a rolled-up mat
Shazam
Inflexible
Written by: Demetri Martin
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