Rocket Scientist

There are many shows on the air which are basically interview shows

And they start out in a very austere setting

There's the interviewer

He sits behind a desk, and in the background somewhere, some figure in the news sits

He's later in the show blinded by a spotlight

I might present one of these shows

They start off very dramatically, something like this

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen

Mike Wallace, Night line

Our guest in the studio tonight is Dr. Warnert Von Warnert

One of the many German missile scientists involved in our American missile program

Dr. Von Warnert, I suppose the question most often asked you

You were involved in the German missile program

You're now involved in our missile program

Was the fact that you were involved in the German missile program a matter of political conviction

Or was this political expediency on your part?

Oh, boy, that one, huh?

Actually, I didn't have that much to do with it, to tell you the truth

This is back around 1940, I was working at a beer garden in Stuttgart

And like on Friday night, you know, the waitresses and the waiters

We'd go to one of the girls' pads, you know

Order some pizzas and some schnapps and get half gas you know

And I used to fool around with these Inventions you know

And I take this tin can and put a fire cracker underneath it and I like the

Fire cracker nothing go four or five feet up yeah you know and everybody say what the hell was that

Or what a nut that Warner is somebody want to get runners hat you know something like that except

This one party little guy walks over he's got a little mustache and a

That was interesting what you did with the tin can there

But what causes that? I said well see that's for every action there's a reaction you see

And the force of the firecracker is it's see it's first of all it starts toward the floor

But the top of your can see it's every time I do it it jumps forward

He says, what do you call that thing there?

I said, that's a rocket

It's named after my landlord, Irving Rockets

She opens her eyes about three months behind an inch, you know, and comes a knock at the door

And he says, look, runner, you know, you got to knock off with the firecrackers in the middle of the night

You know, because the neighbors are complaining

And don't hand me the Madame Curie bit, you know what I mean?

What her landlord wanted to do about her rent, that's his business

I want my rent, see

I said, look, I'm working on an invention

If it works out, I'll name it after you

He says, you're going to call it an Irving?

So now I'm gonna call the docket

So anyway, the guy at the party, little mustache, piece of hair falling in his eyes

He says, that would make a terrific weapon, you know that?

I said, well, you'd have to get right on top of the guy

And you know, you'd have to hit him in the face or something like that with a tin can, that really hurt him

I think your big problem is gonna be getting that close to the guy

He says, no, no, what if we took a hundred firecrackers and a great big tin can, see?

I said, what if we we sorted that

But your problem there is, see, by the time you light the fuse on the last firecracker

He said, look, the reason I'm asking you all this, I'm headed to German people

I said, you know, congratulations

I hadn't seen a paper in a couple of days, so I took a version

He says, would you like to be involved in our MESA program?

I said, well, you know, I got a pretty good thing going at the beer garden

He says, it's a civil service job 350 a month

When you're 55, you go down to Bun Bun and forget the whole scene

So anyway, all they want me to do, I sign these requisitions

Liquid oxygen, I don't know what it is I'm signing

And every month, 350, there it is, like clockwork

Anyway, make the long story short, we lose the war

And the Americans come to me, you know, and I've been getting offers from the Russians and all that

And they say, look, Warner, you know, we've seen your name on some of the requisitions

And how'd you like to be involved in the American missile program?

You know, I said, look, actually, I didn't have that much to do with it you see

I mean, I was at this party in Stuttgart, see

They said, never mind, we need a name

So anyway, I took the job

And there it is, 450 a month

When I'm 55, I go down to Fort Lauderdale

It's a pretty good deal

Well, Dr. Von Warner, our time is running out on us

We have now put a man in space

The Russians some two or three weeks before that had put a man in space

Was this the eventual plan of the German missile program to put a man in space?

Oh, we put a man in space

Oh, sure, back in 1940

My brother-in-law Herman, I put him in

Well, now, that's amazing because, of course, the big problem we found

Putting a man in space was the problem of reentry

And apparently in 1940, you had already solved that problem

What problem is this you're talking about?

Well, Dr. Von Warner, we want to thank you very much for stopping by

And wish you continued success

Well, thank you very much

Now, are you going to give me the money or are you going to send a check to me?