Your Horoscope for Today

Aquarius There's travel in your future When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day Pisces Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the ebola virus You are the true Lord of the dance No matter what those idiots at work say Aries The look on your face will be priceless When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep Taurus You will never find true happiness What you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) Gemini Your birthday party will be ruined Once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest Cancer, the position of Jupiter says that You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test Leo Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt And staple it to your bosses face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding Then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik Virgo All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you Expect a big surprise today When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today Now you may find it inconceivable or rather very least a bit unlikely that The relative position of the planets and the stars Could have a special deep significance or meaning That exclusively applies to only you But, let me give you my assurance that These forecasts and predictions are all based on Solid, scientific, documented evidence So you would have to be some kind of moron Not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true Where was I? Libra A big promotion is just around The corner for someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine Remember that when your appendix bursts next week Scorpio, get ready for an Unexpected trip When you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak Sagittarius All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den Capricorn The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person But, you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today) That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today (yay, yay, yay, yay, yay) That's your horoscope for today