Amish Paradise (Parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio)

As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me You know, I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the morning, I'm milkin' cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows, fool And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores, and you finish thine Then tonight, we're gonna party like it's 1699 We been spending most our lives Livin' in an Amish paradise I churned butter once or twice Livin' in an Amish paradise It's hard work and sacrifice Livin' in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price Livin' in an Amish paradise A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in Hell But I ain't never punched a tourist even if he deserved it An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat And my homies agree I really look good in black, fool If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare We're just technologically impaired There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Crusoe It's as primitive as can be We been spending most our lives Livin' in an Amish paradise We're just plain and simple guys Livin' in an Amish paradise There's no time for sin and vice Livin' in an Amish paradise We don't fight, we all play nice Livin' in an Amish paradise Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter Raised a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise another Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night, scorin' points for the afterlife So don't be vain and don't be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie We been spending most our lives Livin' in an Amish paradise We're all crazy Mennonites Livin' in an Amish paradise There's no cops or traffic lights Livin' in an Amish paradise But you'd probably think it bites Livin' in an Amish paradise