Trauma

Maybe I just felt The shit more than most Maybe I been tryna find My way outta this hole Haven't talked to mom It's been a year For all I know she could be dead And I'd be lying There ain't relief in thinking that Love has been a delicate dance I never learn well Don't know how to act Having money I never earned well Feels like if I don't fuck it up Then the world will Did all that I set out to do Why do I hurt still? It seems the further I get the more I close Walls off to anybody Who wants to know me Outside of this person grata I try to show Like a poster reel But it's probably The furthest from real y'all It isn't all about the numbers And the glitz And we always what life ain't Nut don't know what it is I don't know what I'm chasing Or trying to prove Put another bandage On a bullet hole To fix the wound Just consumed with these thoughts Tryna fight 'em off I quit the drugs But the biggest addiction's Adding a dialogue The vulnerability the path to real connection But I'm stressing I don't wanna open up to anybody Especially those I have to trust I been burnt already once twice Fuck it a hundred but always Thought that was a normal life Because it's normal right For you to grow up thinking You're the only one you can depend on After all these nights alone Police on the phone Either brother's suicide attempts Or your mom's overdose Four deaths came and went Either disappeared Or died from the bottle That we're sinking in Even then you still justify You're like it's okay Being ignored and When you do well you feel ashamed Cause they got real problems How the fuck do you complain? Now if someone says you're important You just pull away I know that trauma isn't always Always how the big things affected The silent little cuts in The soul that get neglected Piles up and collected Why you didn't pay attention? And expect it to be dealt With but instead they just became The foundation that you built on The blueprint is still wrong Quite a fucker act this way I didn't realize I'm like a walking pattern I'll never solve Wrecking ball destroying anybody Who gets involved It doesn't always show in obvious ways Hides underneath the surface Slowly causing a change And it's hard to see the way It influenced your shape And it's not the brush or The cameras or the colors It's the way you paint Always thought I was a hopeless case But it's the programming I was programmed With to keep me safe But safety doesn't always Leave room to grow And you only feel safe In this world alone That's abandonment And I still can't admit The shit that happened As a kid might've played The biggest hand in this How I carved pride outta the fact I had to do this on my own Nut it's the only way I can It's the only way I'm comfortable I dress it up and market it The more I represent it The more these people applauding it The more I get applauded The more I get that conviction But the love for what I do Doesn't fix what I was missing Just hoping that somebody Would notice and they would ask How I'm doing but they didn't So I put it in these raps But wanted someone to listen Wanted someone to care Didn't get it at home So I searched in a career And my life got caught up Thinking that I thought up These thoughts that I've got but stop It's all trauma It's all trauma It's all trauma Think as you want But make sure you Make some gold And I don't wanna Go down that road I been down That road before It's all trauma Think as you want But make sure you Make some gold And I don't wanna Go down that road It's the only road I know