The War I'm Scared to Face

Even if you don't, I still remember it all You were my shelter from the rain when it'd fall I would call, but never came I'm not perfect, but I swear I've changed I still hear your voice, it ricochets off these walls Give me the words and I'll explain why I faltered from grace And for all I hold for blame Just give me one more chance, I'll fight the war I'm scared to face First things first, I know this letter might be long overdue Just wanna tell you it's been hard for me to tackle the truth And watchin' you become a shell of who I knew in my youth You were the glue that kept the family from splittin' in two Hate what you have to go through, I bet you feel so alone You were my shelter back when everything was messy at home When no one else was there, I knew you'd always answer your phone Now when they ask you who I am, it hurts, you might not know, damn Guess I'll remember for us both Remember when we saw those whales and you threw up on the boat Remember spendin' days at Fenway, those are days I miss the most Remember how you cracked a smile when I told you that I wrote And then you told me you believed in me and my dream-chasing That's back when I'd record on a USB in the basement And now I'm here helpless and honestly fuckin' hate it I know you hate when I swear, but I don't know how else to say it I remember all the stories you told me 'bout meeting Gram I know you still remember her laugh, the touch of her hands They try to say you can't, don't think anyone understands She's a part of who you are like you're a part of who I am And damn, when Dad and Gram look down I wonder if it makes 'em sad where the fam's at now And when I stand up on stage, where the music is loud And look out, I swear I see their faces out in the crowd What hurts the most is that you're here, but haven't seen you in years But not because of lack of tryin', I want that to be clear The situation's way more complicated than it appears And when I think about it all, it always brings me to tears I fear, as your memory fades And the dementia makes its way through every inch of your brain You'll forget about me and all the memories made I'm not okay, I guess what I'm tryin' to say is Even if you don't, I still remember it all You were my shelter from the rain when it'd fall I would call, but never came I'm not perfect, but I swear I've changed I still hear your voice, it ricochets off these walls Give me the words and I'll explain why I faltered from grace And for all I hold for blame Just give me one more chance, I'll fight the war I'm scared to face Just know it kills me to feel like I let you down When all I really ever wanted was to make you proud I miss all of the stories and the wisdom that would spill out of your mouth Now when we have a conversation, you can barely make a sound Everything's so different now, I have this hole in my heart When you moved and Dad passed, the whole fam fell apart Not havin' either of you here has been so terribly hard The truth is y'all were the light when my thoughts got dark I heard you had a birthday and I missed it I look around the room and not a single relative's here on Christmas Sometimes I feel the distance has led to us actin' distant Nothin' is the same, things changed in an instant And nah, I should prolly call Always say "I will," but I always drop the ball Damn, you see the truth is I'm a coward tryna stall the inevitable Fact, one day I'll call and there'll be nothin' you recall And I'm appalled that this is how this all played out A beautiful mind that we just have to watch fade out See, you're the one who taught me how to make a home out of a house And that happiness is found when you live in the right now Not the future or past, just want my grandfather back Woulda hung on to the moments if I knew they wouldn't last Just know I'm grateful now for every single second we had It's sad you'll never see a show or ever get to see me rap And that's that, fuck, sick of feelin' stuck Sick of feelin' like everybody has givin' up Sick of always feelin' like I'll never be enough 'Cause I tried to wear your shoes, but I could never fill 'em up I'll never know a world where I'm able to let you go Even though I know to let go of the things that I can't control It's sad you'll never see me with a family of my own But know that when that day comes, you'll be a hero in our home, so Even if you don't, I still remember it all You were my shelter from the rain when it'd fall I would call, but never came I'm not perfect, but I swear I've changed I still hear your voice, it ricochets off these walls Give me the words and I'll explain why I faltered from grace And for all I hold for blame I wish I knew the things I told you'd turn to things you'd forget I wish I knew the things I told you'd turn to things you'd forget