Word Crimes

Everybody shut up Everyone listen up (hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey, hey-hey-hey) If you can't write in the proper way If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class And maybe now you find That people mock you online (everybody wise up) Okay now here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions Literacy's your mission And that's why I think it's a good time To learn some grammar (what) Now did I stammer? Work on that grammar You should know when it's less or it's fewer Like people who were Never raised in a sewer I hate these word crimes Like I could care less That means you do care At least a little Don't be a moron You'd better slow down and use the right pronoun Show the world you're no clown (everybody wise up) Say you got an I-T followed by apostrophe S Now, what does that mean? You would not use "it's" in this case as a possessive (no, no, no) It's a contraction (yeah, yeah, yeah) What's a contraction? "Well, it's the shortening of a word Or group of words by omission of a sound or letter" Okay now, here's some notes Syntax you're always manglin' No "x" in espresso Your participle's danglin' But I don't want your drama If you really wanna, leave out that Oxford comma Just keep in mind that be, see, are, you Are words, not letters Get it together, use your spell checker You should never Write words using numbers Unless you're seven, or your name is Prince I hate these word crimes You really need a full-time proofreader You dumb mouth-breather Well, you should hire Some cunning linguist To help you distinguish what is proper English (everybody wise up) One thing I ask of you The time to learn your homophones is past due Learn to diagram a sentence too Always say "to whom"; don't ever say "to who" And listen up when I tell you this I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis You finished second grade; I hope you can tell If you're doing good or doing well (everybody wise up) Better figure out the difference Irony is not coincidence And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull 'Bout what's figurative and what's literal Oh, but just now (just now) you said (you said) You "literally couldn't get out of bed" (what) That really makes me wanna literally Smack a crowbar upside your stupid head I read your e-mail (yeah, yeah) It's quite apparent your grammar's errant You're incoherent Saw your blog post (hey, hey) It's really fantastic That was sarcastic (aw psych!) 'cause you write like a spastic I hate these word crimes (everybody wise up) Your prose is dopey Think you should only write in emoji Oh, you're a lost cause Go back to pre-school, get out of the gene pool Try your best to not drool Never mind, I give up Really now, I give up (Hey-hey-hey) (Hey-hey-hey) (Go away)